Me, thinking to myself late last week…“It’s October, which means that it’s Anti-Bullying Month! This year, I’d love to make the month a bit more actionable for Ask Trish readers…”
Hi there, and welcome back to another week of Ask Trish! I hope you’re all well and enjoying a wonderful October. I, for one, am thrilled that we are just about 2 weeks away from Halloween (one of my favorite holidays). October really is the best.
But it’s not just the best because of Halloween…as regular readers will know, October is also Anti-Bullying Month, an opportunity to reflect on the issues of bullying and cyberbullying; raise awareness about bullying and cyberbullying’s harms to vast swathes of youth in the US and globally – particularly historically marginalized groups; and perhaps most importantly, identify how each and everyone of us can be an Upstander to hate, online and offline. So many of us confront situations each and every day where we must choose to be either a bystander or an Upstander to harassment. In my experience, most folks – including young people – know that being an Upstander is the right thing to do. But knowing it and doing it are two very different things…and for so many reasons, including fear of retaliation and shame or embarrassment, many potential Upstanders will choose to say nothing, averting their eyes from hate.
This year, in honor of Anti-Bullying Month, I’m dedicating this post to sharing some practices that can help you more easily stand up to bullying, both in-person and online. I hope that these actionable tips allow you to go beyond recognizing that bullying and cyberbullying are important issues (which so many of us do) to becoming agents for a more kind, humane world. Crucially, these tips allow you to approach instances of bullying and/or cyberbullying in a manner that is not confrontational and likely to escalate conflict, but instead, kind and empathetic. By bringing the temperature down – and asserting what you know to be right – you can make someone’s day, and even save someone’s life. (Please note that these tips were presented at a workshop hosted by the 501(c)(3) I run, ReThink Citizens, and a phenomenal partner of ours, Greater Boston PFLAG.)
With that said, let’s get into the tips:
- “Call in,” instead of “calling out”: Often, when people envision being an Upstander, they envision “calling out” a cyberbully in front of a large audience. (Just thinking about it might make your palms sweat!) In fact, Upstanders have another option: to call the bully or cyberbully in. This approach is particularly relevant when it seems like the harassment is inadvertent, e.g., someone is accidentally using an offensive term. After an incident, you might pull the person in question aside and say, “Hey. I was really uncomfortable with what you just said, and here’s why…” (You can also do this online, via a DM.) You might also call in the victim, and let them know what you did/that you’ve got their back. By adopting this approach, you can “stand up” to the harassment in a way that the person in the wrong will be receptive to…and thus, make your message that much more effective/resonant. And importantly, you can avoid escalating the situation (for yourself, and for any victims).
- Using a truth sandwich: Let’s face it – criticism is hard. And in my experience, bullies and cyberbullies, in particular, tend to be less open to criticism than most. As a prospective Upstander, you might think, “Eh. It’s not worth it. They’re not going to listen anyway!” Well, they might…if you use a truth sandwich. With the truth sandwich approach, you begin by stating a neutral statement, one that everyone can agree on. “I think we can all agree that everyone should be treated fairly.” You can then transition into your critique, “With that said, I feel that your comments were rude and unfair. Here’s why…” Finally, you can end with an uplifting statement, “I know that that’s not the kind of community we want. Let’s change it – together!” In my experience, truth sandwiches are extremely effective. And remember, you can use (briefer) truth sandwiches online, too!
- Using I statements: One dilemma I hear a lot of young people articulate about being an Upstander is that they’re worried that people will think that they are attacking – and indeed, possibly bullying – the bully. One way to avoid any chance of that is to use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. That is, rather than saying, “You are so awful. You should be ashamed of yourself!” you can say, “I was really disappointed by what you said just now. I don’t think that’s okay at all.” In doing so, you can make the conversation a meaningful exchange about why you feel the aggressor’s conduct is inappropriate, rather than a never-ending tit-for-tat.
- Support the victim: In some situations, it really might not be safe for you to be an Upstander. In those situations, it is appropriate and indeed, crucial, that you turn to an adult. As you do that, you can also still stand up to the hate by supporting the victim. Sit with them at lunch. Text them after school and make plans to hang out. Share supportive comments on their Insta posts. This “indirect support” can often mean as much to a victim as directly calling out a bully or cyberbully.
I hope you found this post valuable. Just remember: by being an Upstander, you have the power to ensure that every human being is treated with kindness and dignity.
One last thing: when you have a moment, please share any internet-related thoughts and questions with me here. It literally takes 30 seconds – seriously! So get submitting! Thank you all a ton in advance for your amazing contributions.
Have a great week,
Trish