Share this...

By Trisha Prabhu

Dear Trish: I had a bf, but I feel like I can’t “escape” the relationship because he is now threatening to blackmail me with explicit pictures I sent. I am not sure what to do because this would ruin my life and my career if it were sent online to the public eye…I’m also afraid that at any moment, those pictures will be exposed.

*Trigger Warning: This blog post contains a potentially distressing discussion of sexual harassment.*

Let me start by thanking you for your bravery in submitting this question; I can’t imagine it was easy to reveal such a distressing, emotionally taxing situation. Let me also address any other folks reading along this week — this can be a very heavy, serious topic, so create time and space to care for yourself as you explore this issue (in this forum, and in others).

Before I respond to your note, I want to begin by laying out some key definitions. Many of you might be wondering…what exactly is “revenge porn”? Put simply, “revenge porn” is an extreme form of the distribution of sexually explicit images or videos without the subject’s consent. Usually (though not always!), as the phrase implies, revenge porn occurs after an intimate relationship concludes, and one partner decides to “get revenge” on their ex via distribution of these sensitive images/videos. I say “an extreme form” because revenge porn is generally characterized by a large audience — e.g. the whole internet. Any form of distribution of such material without the subject’s consent is wrong and is a betrayal, even if to just one person, but publishing these images is even worse. When a minor is involved, it is a serious crime.

So, what can you do about revenge porn? For those reading along, I want to highlight, above all, proactive ways to avoid these scary situations. First and foremost, be extremely cautious about sexting. It’s worth asking: why do you want to sext someone? Is it because you actually want to, or because of external pressure? Who would you be sending these sexts to? Do you know this person? Do you trust them? And perhaps most critically, are you sure your answers to those questions will be the same in say, 6 months, 1 year, or 2 years? If you do decide to engage in sexting, always remember: never, ever include any identifiable information. That includes your name, your face, a background set-up that is attributed to you, etc. This makes it much more difficult for the content to be used against you.

If you do find yourself at threat of/amidst revenge porn, as scary, hopeless, or terrifying as the situation might seem, you have options and resources to turn to. Above all, I encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend and/or an adult. That could include a parent, relative, or teacher. If you’re worried that they’ll judge, shame, or punish you for being in this situation, remember: at the end of the day, their interest is your well-being. With them, you can brainstorm a plan to address the issue, which, if still just a threat, can, depending on the situation, involve heading to law enforcement. Law enforcement officials can, in some cases, help track down and deal with a harasser, and potentially ensure that any explicit material never reaches the public domain. I know what you might be thinking: that feels so extreme, and scary. I can’t do that! I promise that taking action is not as scary as it seems, and can help you get to a place where you no longer live each day in fear. 

One last, crucially important thing to highlight: for many folks under threat of or experiencing revenge porn, the experience is one of deep, traumatizing shame. Amidst fear that they’ll never again be able to live a “normal” life, their self-worth is reduced. I can’t emphasize enough: revenge porn is not the end for anyone. Though the experience can be harmful and tough, it does not need to define you or who you are for the rest of your life. Don’t hate yourself for being in the situation — even if you made a mistake by trusting the wrong person, their misuse of your images is NOT your fault. The only folks at fault are the folks harassing and abusing you, for which they deserve to be held accountable. Of course, getting to a point where you believe that/have healed can be tough, so don’t hesitate to lean on the many resources available to you, including orgs. like Love is Respect. Love is Respect offers any and everyone relationship help, including the ability to chat with respect advocates — folks who want to support and help you as you work through a relationship or relationship-related trauma/violence.

Thank you all so much for reading this incredibly important post. For those of you in a revenge-porn related situation, I’m sending you a big hug and lots of strength and courage. 💙  For those of you who only today learned what “revenge porn” is, I hope you found this post informative and impactful; more awareness is one of the first steps to rooting out and tackling this problem, and you’ve just become an important part of that solution. 

Have a similar (or a completely different) question about the Internet? Share your note, question, or thoughts here, and your topic might be the focus of an upcoming TikTok/blog post. Remember: anything you want to chat about is fair game, so feel empowered to share whatever you’d like! Through this community, I promise you’ll find a little support and kindness online. 💙

Again, thank you for reading along as we addressed this important Internet issue. See you all next week,

Trish

@asktrish

*Tw: sexual harassment.* Today’s topic is a serious one: revenge porn. Learn more about this important issue at the link in the bio ⬆️

♬ Background Noises – White Noise

Share this...