When I’m out with my friends, I’ll glance down at my phone if I get a text or email and maybe even reply. One of my friends says that it’s rude and I’m “obsessed” with my phone. I think they’re overreacting. Thoughts?
Hi there, and welcome back to another week of Ask Trish! If you can believe it, this is our last post for April. (Yes, we’re nearly ⅓ of the way through 2025…ahhhhh!)
Thank you so much to this week’s question-er for sharing what I know is a question that all of us have pondered at one point or another: What are the rules around using our phones when we’re hanging out with friends? If it’s a long hangout, inevitably, we may need to glance down at our phones… but when does that kind behavior become “rude” (if at all)? In this week’s post, I share my advice–and some general reflections and food for thought about our phone use. Let’s get into it:
First and foremost, I’d say that it’s certainly not “rude” if, when hanging out with friends, you occasionally glance down at your phone if you get an urgent text or email. That happens to me all of the time–and sometimes, I need to get a reply out. When it does, though, I do make sure to apologize to the person that I’m with. “Hey, I’m so sorry–I just received an urgent message. Would you mind if I take a minute to respond?” Almost always, the person I’m with is receptive and understanding. By comparison, what can be frustrating–and I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of behavior multiple times–is when, mid-conversation, someone looks down at their phone and doesn’t look back up for about 5 minutes. If that’s you, you should definitely consider being a bit more proactive about (i) articulating why you need to use your phone and (ii) acknowledging that it’s taking you away from the in-person interaction that you’re having. After all, it can feel bad to think that a friend cares more about their phone than you.
One thing to consider is how many folks you’re out with. If you’re out with a group of friends, if you glance down at your phone, you’re way less likely to leave your other friends hanging. In that setting, it may be a lot more appropriate to (even without explanation) spend time on your phone as needed. But even so, be wary of spending all of your time with your friends on your phone. I mean, what’s the point? We all stare at our devices constantly throughout the day–but we don’t always get to see our friends. I’m always struck when I’m out with friends and see a whole group of people looking at their phones instead of conversing, interacting, engaging, and laughing. Trust me, you won’t remember “hanging out” with your friends while you were on your phone…but you will remember a fun meal, a run, a paintball competition, or a shopping spree. So even if it’s not “improper,” so to speak, to be on your phone in a large group with your friends, resist the urge to look down. You might just love it. (If you’re looking for creative ways to take a phone break with friends, check out last week’s post.)
Another thing to consider is the frequency with which you’re receiving messages or emails. Oftentimes, when I’m out with friends or family, I’ll put my phone away even if I know I’m going to be receiving texts and emails because I also know that the barrage of messages will be endless. If I glanced down at my phone every time I received a text or email, I’d just be on my phone the whole dinner… and in my experience, this is one of the most common mistakes young people make when it comes to social phone use etiquette. You come in with the expectation of, “I’m not going to spend all of my time on my phone–I’ll just take a peek now and then to see if I’ve received anything urgent”… and then, it turns out that you’ve received a ton of messages and emails you need to reply to. Or, you reply to just one text…and then suddenly, you’re in the middle of text conversation at your family member’s birthday dinner. If the idea of not being on your phone for a longer period makes you anxious, (i) consider taking up my advice on building better digital boundaries with your phone and (ii) consider blocking a period of time right after your hangout session to respond to texts and emails. This, I find, always makes me feel better about putting my phone away with others–because I know I have dedicated time afterwards to catch up on what I’ve missed in the digital world.
One last thing to keep in mind: not all phone activities are created equal, and that’s especially true when you’re using your phone around friends. This week’s question-er highlighted a situation where they were using their phone to respond to texts and emails…but I’ve also seen plenty of folks playing Animal Crossing, a digital card game, or just scrolling on Insta while hanging out with friends. Again, lots of factors are relevant here, including the size and vibe of your group, the frequency with which you’re looking at your phone, what you’ve communicated to your friends, etc. But in general, I think it is a little rude to play a game on your phone when you’re hanging out with a friend, especially if it’s a one-on-one. Your game can wait (I promise!). Don’t take the time you have with your friend for granted–instead, make the most of it.
I hope you enjoyed this advice–let me know if these tips were helpful in the comments section of this week’s video! And if you did find this advice helpful, do me a solid and take just a minute and share any other internet/tech-related questions or thoughts you have with me here! I’m curious to hear about absolutely anything on your mind, whether it has to do with everyday phone/tech-related situations, digital policy, internet harms, and anything in between. I look forward to hearing from you–thank you in advance for your contributions.
Have a great end to the week,
Trish